Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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