Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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