Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
