doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
