did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
