i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
