don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
