My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
