Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
