You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
