She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
