We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
