Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
