Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
