A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
