We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
