i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
