Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did you just send me my own nude
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
