at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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