Someone shit on the floor
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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