I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
