If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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