Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize