Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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