He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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