I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
