i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
