he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
