Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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