Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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