I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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