I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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