She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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