I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This toilet bowl is my home.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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