This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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