we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
