Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
whose ass print is on the piano?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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