i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
