On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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