I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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