Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
