Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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