You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
