im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
