Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The Olympian is in my bed
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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