just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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