What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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