You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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