Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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