I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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