Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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