i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
