the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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