I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
