Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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