you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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