I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
