I'm lost and stupid without you.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
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When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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