woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
