btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
