At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
