the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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